I don’t know a parent alive who cannot relate to asking their child to do something and it doesn’t happen. “Put your shoes on, we have to go.” “Five more minutes and then turn off the video game.” “Time to start your homework.” You ask, but nothing happens. Maybe they did not hear me, or they are distracted by whatever else they are doing you rationalize. Not a big deal you tell yourself and repeat the request. Still nothing… Ok, you are pretty sure they heard you that time, so once more with a little conviction should do the trick…
Ser-ious-ly?? STILL nothing! Now you decide to add a little volume to the third request, because nothing says you mean business like saying what you want louder!
Once you have gotten to the loud, “I mean it” request, and there is still no compliance, it is generally at this point going to go one of two ways. 1) You give up and resign yourself to the fact that the request is not going to happen, or 2) You feel yourself unraveling because “Why does it always have to come to this?!”
I have worked with “experts” over the years that I am comfortable saying I have not always agreed with when it comes to handling issues around non-compliance. Why didn’t I? Because expert or not, to buy into what they were saying I needed to see that their approach was working. I needed to see the child/student behavior improve. I needed to see different choices being made by the child in the future. I needed to see skills being developed to avoid certain behaviors from continuing. How are we helping children if those traits are not emerging?
I believe that following directions and compliance matter a great deal and are actually essential for growth development. No one loves “being told what to do” but when given reasonable expectations from a parent, a boss, a coach, or whomever is in a position to lead, teach and guide us then it is in our best interest to learn to receive and follow directions.
There are people who believe that children should not be held to “strict” standards. That they should move, speak, play and live freely without “spirit damaging” restrictions. I am not one of those people. I believe that children, as with adults, need to be responsible (age appropriately) for all of those elements and that it does not damage, but can actually boost, their spirit. An example with my own children and now grandchildren is: If we are in a store and you don’t have the money to pay for an item, then you don’t touch it. It is meant for a consumer. On occasion, they would/will be interested in something and ask if they can touch it. On those occasions we let them touch gently, check it out, and then return it. In those moments they are learning how to appropriately treat things that don’t belong to them. They are acting respectfully and with regard for something other than themselves. They are listening to the expectations that have been established for shopping and, as a result, everyone is able to enjoy the outing and experience.
Another thing I do not generally see when people with philosophies counter to mine are interacting with children who exhibit “challenging” behaviors, is the child being held accountable. Accountability to some people is somehow a bad word that means “punitive”. I could not disagree more. When you have emotionally or physically hurt someone, ruined something that doesn’t belong to you, disrupted a learning environment, etc. I believe you should be accountable for those choices. I think that being accountable shows strength in character, which then promotes self respect and confidence. (Doing the right thing and making good choices feels good!) The alternative is blame or avoidance and I do not know anyone who feels good about themselves after choosing those options, regardless of how many birthday’s they have had.
I tell kids (my own and others I work with) that if you “own it” (whatever the IT is that you need to be accountable for) then the hard part is done. Next is figuring out how to “fix it” and then setting about doing that.
Owning it takes practice and, like with anything else, the more you do it the easier it gets!
