Establishing clear expectations is a vital part in getting your child to listen to you. Before they can “listen” they must know what you want. I am actually excited to share this series of posts with you because, if you follow the steps, I believe you will find the change easier than you may have thought it would be and you will see a WORLD of difference in your child’s level of compliance!
Obviously the younger your child is when you start setting clear expectations, the easier. They will learn quickly how cause and effect works in your home and determine that a better option for them is to follow your expectations. (NOT because of fear. There is no reason a child should ever be fearful if they do not follow an expectation. Not only does fear not work, but it can be damaging to your child and to your relationship with your child).
The keys are TEACHING and MODELING. You must teach the expectation for the result you want, and you must model respectful and appropriate responses. You should not assume a child “knows” what you mean. Many parents (and school staff) make this mistake. “He is 10 years old. He knows better.” “She is just doing that to be annoying”. Does he? Is she? Don’t be so sure!
If you are reading this right now (whether as a parent or an educator) because you have an interest in seeing children respond more appropriately to your instructions (AKA listen better) then this next suggestion is for you. Regardless of how old your child is, how “stupid” they (or you) may think it is and, yes, even if you are convinced they already know what you want them to do or not do, please try this: Write down a singular topic/location and your expectations for that situation. It looks like this at a school where I worked:
This sign was professionally done, and similar signs are located all around the school. (Everywhere from the classrooms to the bathrooms.) Yours does not need to be this fancy, or large. 😊
Let’s say you have a kiddo who is always messing around at the dinner table. Perhaps they keep getting up and down. Playing with their food. Touching their sibling’s plate. Spilling and making messes. This is an example of what your list of expectations might look like:
Dinner Expectations
- Sit on pockets/bottom
- Stay in seat
- Hands to self
- Food is for eating only
- Say Please and Thank You
- Ask to be excused when you’re done
Now, maybe grab-n-go is more your family dinner style, so you aren’t at a table. Or maybe everyone does eat at the table, but you couldn’t care less if they say please and thank you, or ask to be excused when they’re done, because your goal is just to not have spaghetti on the ceiling and milk on the floor. The expectations you list need to reflect what YOU want the experience to be. What would a successful dinner look like to YOU? Whatever you are envisioning is possible. It really is!
One very important component of writing out your expectations for your child, is that you only write down what you DO want, not what you don’t want. For example, under Dinner Expectations I did not say: Don’t play with your food. I wrote: Food is for eating only. That explicitly explains what I DO want. This leaves no room for misunderstanding. It is CLEAR what is being asked of them. If the food is not going in their mouth, then they are not following the expectation.
Remember, you can write a list of expectations for ANY situation. Getting ready for school. Going to the store. When there is a babysitter. Cleaning/picking up. Doctor’s office visits. Church. Restaurant. Bedtime. The same exact steps apply.
- Write the situation + Expectations at the top
- List your expectations below (in 5 words or less)
- List ONLY what you do want
- Use pictures/visuals for younger children or non-readers
Got your list…?
