Education – Where is the parental sweet spot?

How much involvement is the right amount in your child’s education? At the very minimum, most parents have a goal of seeing their child’s name on a high school diploma. So, does that mean that their schooling is the appropriate time for you to be the ultimate helicopter parent? Making sure that every assignment has been completed to perfection and handed in on time with consequences if they fall short? Or do we treat this 13-year academic pursuit with a more relaxed approach? Letting our children navigate their own education and allowing their internal compasses and natural consequences to be their guide? Education – Where is the parental sweet spot?

When asking readers what topic they would like to see me discuss in future posts this was the quandary presented by one reader. They wanted to know where the “sweet spot” was when it comes to parental involvement in their children’s education and I knew exactly what they meant by that. At this point in my life I am well beyond dealing with that delicate dance but I do remember feeling angst about it when my kids were school aged.  That overwhelming feeling of having to “get it right” for fear of the alternative.  The alternative being a high school drop-out, with no diploma, working low paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement, and a lifetime of hardships because of it. That is the fear.  Am I wrong, parents?!

How much and how hard should we push our kids when it comes to school? The honest answer is, I don’t really know. I don’t think anyone does. A child’s ability, temperament, interests, goals, personality, home and school environment, and any number of other factors, all play a part in what our role should look like to garner optimum results. How much support? How much meddling? Not surprisingly, there is no one-size-fits-all answer, which means there will likely be a lot of trial and error before we get it right, assuming we ever actually do.

There may not be one simple solution to your child’s academic success, but I do believe there to be some specific strategies that will help to promote the best foundation and outcome for your child’s school career.

1. Set the tone early

Talk about school positively and make it a priority. You want your child to look forward to each year and understand its importance. Think twice before keeping kids home for “special” activities and events or before scheduling avoidable appointments during school hours. If someone in the family oversleeps, don’t just decide the day is a loss and keep them home. Do not allow it to be your child’s choice whether to stay home or go to school. (You can blame this one on the schools. The guideline in most schools is that unless your child has had a fever, vomiting and/or diarrhea within 24 hours they should be attending!) The messages above all convey to students that missing school is no big deal. They will start to devalue the importance of school (because you are) which will have a negative accumulative affect that can be difficult to recover from later.

2. Allow them ownership

When I see kids being walked into class by parents who are carrying their child’s backpack who then proceed to unload it for them, turn in their homework, put the lunch box or ticket where it goes, hang up the backpack, etc. I have the same thought as seeing kids constantly plugged into technology. Which is, there goes another missed learning opportunity for them! Those parents have presumably already been to K, 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd grade which means it is their child’s turn. This is the time for their kiddo to have ownership of their school experience. Their school belongings, their schoolwork, and the school procedures. When the kids are invested and have ownership, they care more about their performance and its outcome than if they don’t. Whether it is taking care of their school responsibilities, or tying their shoes, if they are developmentally able to do it, then they should be doing it. Not you doing it for them.

3. Do not be more invested than they are

We all know the parents. The ones who are involved in every aspect of their child’s schooling and beyond. From inviting kids for playdates that they themselves want their son/daughter to play with, to helping in the classroom with the motive of keeping tabs on all thing’s classroom X, to being the sole creator of the 7th grade science project that the kid may or may not have had the opportunity to even write his or her own name on. The message being sent by this type of parenting is that your child cannot be successful on their own. Given that message (whether intentionally or not) a child is not likely to enjoy school or apply themselves. Why would they? They have someone else doing the heavy lifting for them.

4. Balance

All or nothing is rarely ever the answer. Most children are going to need at least some parental help, especially in elementary school where so much of their educational foundation is being established. The amount and degree of help needed will differ from child to child, even among those living in the same household. While school is incredibly important, it is not the end all be all. Friends and play/socializing matters. Family life matters. Sports, clubs, church, and hobbies matter. A variety of healthy interactions and activities help create that important balance. It is possible to make school a priority while also making sure it is not the only thing in your child’s life.

Here is a list of Do’s and Don’ts that I believe with help with maintaining good balance and healthy boundaries parentally:

Even if you are able to check off every “DO” on the list, that does not mean that school will be a breeze for your child, and they will graduate with a 4.0 GPA and become valedictorian. Remember, they have their own free will and are not afraid to use it. (At least my own two weren’t!)

My son was always a good student and was in accelerated classes from 6^th grade on, yet never really “applied” himself like I thought he should or knew he could. He had many teachers along the way who agreed with that assessment as well. That was the topic of many conversations when Bryer was in middle and high school. He was in classes with incredibly driven kids and he would articulate that he didn’t get it. He did not understand all the extra hours and effort and energy that went into every assignment and project they did. Bryer never thought that was going to get them further ahead enough in life that it warranted him doing the same. He wanted balance in his life. Bryer saw school as a means to an end and he was planning to take the path of least resistance to get there. (Work smarter not harder, if you will). So, by the middle of his junior year, I got tired of trying to convince him otherwise and pushing for something that, truthfully, I realized had little to do with me.

Bryer knew what he was and was not willing to put into school and I knew that my pushing was only going to create stress in our relationship and do more harm than good. That was when Bry and I talked about my backing off and trusting him to get through school the way that he wanted to. He may not have been the best student he could have been, but he was a good student and he understood what he needed out of school to get where he wanted to be. Of note, there was never any concern that Bryer would not graduate. I cannot honestly say how that would have looked if I thought there was a possibility that he may not earn a diploma. Probably very different. That is why the early, foundational years are so important. If those years are solid, they will usually carry a kid through. 

Education- Where is the parental sweet spot? It may ultimately be an illusion, I’m not sure. In our case, Bryer graduated high school, went to undergrad school on a WUE scholarship, then on to grad school. He is currently a working Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist having realized the career path he was interested in. More importantly though, he is a kind, smart, contributing member of society. So even though I may have never figured out the educational “sweet spot” as a parent, it worked out just the way Bryer thought it would. And this mom is happy with that!