Keeping up with the Joneses. Buying certain things or doing certain activities to show that you are not inferior to others. Often it is adults who are guilty of doing this but there are also instances when kids pressure their parents for things in hopes of solidifying their own popularity and/or acceptance. A subscriber of mine thought this would be a helpful topic to address for parents. She is an RAC follower with adult children and someone who has never been willing to live outside of their family’s means to impress neighbors or pretend that their situation was anything other than what it actually is. But that did not mean that her boys didn’t try from time to time while they were growing up. Who cares about the Joneses? Your kids might.
Everyone at some point or another wants to emulate another person. We want to wear, own, or do something that we have seen someone else wear, own or do. Some people are content with copying minor things to fit in like clothes, shoes, accessories, or hair color. Sometimes we think we need to copy the big (aka expensive) stuff to be accepted. A new Range Rover, vacationing in Cancun, season tickets to the Seahawks. The big stuff is a little harder to fake because of the financial implications but some people try their darndest anyway. Anyone who is supremely motivated to “keep up with the Joneses” will find a way to make sure they are able to flash around some of the cool stuff their friends have, and to be at the same events as often as possible. Overextending credit cards, taking out loans, leasing, selling stuff to buy other stuff. Keeping up with the Joneses can get expensive but where there’s a will, there’s a way so some people give it their all!
Kids are not exempt from coveting what others have. Who doesn’t want new, shiny, cool stuff or exciting new experiences?! With kids it can also be about driving around in what others are or vacationing where others do but, more often, it has to do with wanting to look like their friends and doing what their friends are doing. And of course, in this day and age, technology is a big one that kids want to keep up with. Heaven forbid your middle schooler does not have an iPhone, the right air pods or the newest gaming system! (I would have preferred to say “your high schooler” here, but I am not that out of touch. No way was I going to say elementary students though. That would be ridiculous and a post for another day.)
So, the issue at hand, and the point of the subscriber’s question is: How should we handle our kids wanting things that we, as parents or caregivers, are not prepared to give them? I believe this to be a two-issue subject. The first issue being means, and the second issue being values, recognizing that at times it may be a combination of the two.
Means – Money. Financial resources. Income.
Can you afford it? Do you have the disposable income to purchase the Air Jordan 13 Retro Flints, an official Patrick Mahomes football jersey, or tickets to a Drake concert for your child? (I Googled those by the way. I have zero idea what teenagers think is cool anymore. I am probably aging myself just by saying “cool”, so feel free to substitute any material item here. You get the idea.)
If you are living paycheck to paycheck then the answer to those wants is simply NO. I recognize that telling your child they cannot have them may not be simple, but if you are not able to pay the rent then the NO becomes simple, because it is the only option. (And likely understood, even if it is not well received.)
Maybe you pay your bills just fine, but money is still tight, so you do not have the luxury of paying for things that are non-essential, or that do not elevate the family as a whole.
You may pay your bills easily, and also have money for lots of non-essentials, but STILL say no? That is then likely about…
Values – I think as a parent this one is more challenging. Don’t get me wrong, not having money for things your kids want is not easy! We want our kids to be happy and to know that we can provide for them, including the fun stuff. But like I said above, when you do not have the means and NO is the only option, I think kids instinctively understand that, especially if you are open and honest about your situation. Telling a child “No” when you DO have the money is harder to explain.
Even as a parent with the means to pay for the things that your child insists they need (also known as wants) there are things you know are not in their best interest so you choose to say no. That is a hallmark of parenting; guiding kids toward things, people, and ideas that align with your family’s morals, values, and philosophies. They want a television for their bedroom. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that “Children should not sleep with devices in their bedrooms, including TV’s, computers, and smartphones.” So, you say no. They ask you to buy them the super short dress from Nordstrom’s to wear to Homecoming. You believe it to be inappropriate for their age and the occasion. So, you say no.
Whether means or values is the reason for your kids not getting the things they want, this is an important subject to talk about and navigate together.
When Means is the issue, here are some conversations you could have:
- “Dad and I would be willing to “funds match” you. If you put in money of your own, we will put in the same amount.”
- “Is there a less expensive option for that jersey you like? Maybe we can find a discount store online.”
- “You could ask grandma and grandpa/the neighbor if they need help around their house or yard so you can make money.”
- “Can you think of something you could make and sell?”
- “What about providing a service like babysitting/tutoring/lawn care”?
I mentioned earlier that where there is a will, there is a way. If your child has something that they really want, they will get creative to figure out how to get it. Even if you are unable to help financially, when you are involved in the process of helping them to problem solve, you are still being involved and supportive.
When Values are the issue, here are some conversations you could have:
- “What is it about that dress you like the most? Let’s find one similar but that is a little longer.”
- “Wear things that you enjoy and feel like yourself in. Good friends will like you even if you dress differently than they do.”
- “I know your friends play Grand Theft Auto but we’re going to follow the recommended rating system. Let’s look for a game rated Everybody/Teen that you’ll like.”
- “That costs more than we are comfortable spending. Saving is important to us too.”
- “The Joneses do things the way they think is best, and our family does things the way we think is best.”
I am obviously way oversimplifying these conversation ideas, but the point is communication. Who cares about the Joneses? Your kids might, so if your child is “miserably unhappy” because you don’t buy the $100 jeans they want (at least that’s their story/perception and they are sticking to it) talk about why that is. Discuss your family means and your family values. Help problem solve possible solutions for getting what they want or, better yet, talk about the importance of being content with what we have and the goal of focusing on the ways that we contribute more than on our material possessions.
I will end with a fitting quote from Mokokoma Mokhonoana:
“There is a correlation between how much we care about what others think of us and how much time, energy, and money we waste in a month.”
