Respect. Respectful. Disrespect. Disrespectful. As far back as I can remember these words and what they represent were ingrained in my siblings and I. Being disrespectful was not an option and we knew it. Not only was “talking back” not going to fly, eye-rolls and sighs (or other audible sounds that meant we were irritated) also fell into the category of disrespectful and were, therefore, unacceptable. Out of the question. Not happening. Don’t even think about it.
Today, however, it is not the least bit uncommon to see kids who yell at their parents or caregiver, swear at them, completely and defiantly NOT do what is being asked of them, and even physically assault them. (Kick, hit, scratch, spit…) In my 50+ years on this earth I have seen the pendulum swing when it comes to the degree of respect that is shown to adults by children. Beware: When kids get comfortable disrespecting others, no one is immune. That includes teachers, coaches, law enforcement officers, grandparents, store clerks, waiters/waitresses, anyone and everyone. Disrespectful children often feel entitled to treat people the way they want.
In my blog posts I often talk about the importance of modeling for kids. According to the Social Learning Theory individuals learn by observing the behavior of others. We know this to be true. Watch any little one for a period of time and you will see them mimic just about everything they see and hear.
Your child is merely a reflection of you. If you don’t like what you see, then change you.
I’m not sure who to credit this quote to but I love it. If any parent were asked if they care about raising children to be respectful, I am assuming they would say yes. Why is it then, that so many parents do not model what it is they would like to see from their children? And worse, try to convince themselves and others that they do.
If children witness a parent who…
- Call names
- Swears
- Belittles or sexualizes women
- Is condescending or flippant
- Lies
- Criticizes or ridicules
- Is aggressive or violent
- Makes fun of people
- Is rude to people in service roles
- Breaks promises
- Is not loyal to their friends or spouse/partner
- Does not respect boundaries/privacy
- Mistreats others property
…it is not a stretch to assume that their children will likely do the same.
When I was in middle school, I had a teacher that thought he was hot stuff and it drove me nuts. I took every opportunity I could to find mistakes he made and point them out during class. I had resolved to single handedly knock his ego down a peg or two. I was a good student and the teacher liked me, but he told my mom during a conference that he didn’t understand where my attitude and animosity were coming from. Two things happened after that conference. One, my mom came home and told me that it was not ok for me to be disrespectful to my teacher and it had better stop. Two, mom told my teacher to ask me directly what my issue was. She knew of course, but she told him it was up to me to share it, not her. I was told that I would be explaining it to him and that my words and tone had to be respectful (and that she would be checking!) The teacher and I had our conversation, and it went well. What’s funny looking back on it is that he was only 27 years old at the time. I was just 12. As an adult I now realize what a passionate and committed teacher he was and am so thankful that my mom was not going to allow or justify my bad behavior. But not just for his sake, for mine too!
What I appreciated about my mom’s approach and message, then and always, was that she supported me “saying my piece” but it could not be done disrespectfully. What that meant was that even as a kid I learned to voice my opinions in ways that were respectful and credible. If I had a point to make, I learned there was a way to do it and a way not to if I wanted people to listen and take me seriously. I am thankful to have been forced to develop that skill set.
A really important point that my son reminded me of when we discussed this post, is that DISCONTENTMENT DOES NOT EQUAL DISRESPECT. Please read that again. If your child is not happy because you asked them to fold the laundry, that in-and-of-itself is not disrespectful. Are they quietly pouting while they fold the towels? Let them fold and leave them be. Parents often try to make a child have a good attitude about something that they are unhappy about. (Good luck with that.) “You had better knock off that attitude while you fold those.” They are folding, which means they are following your expectations. If the pouting bothers you, go in another room while they finish up so you don’t have to see it. They are not being disrespectful; they are unhappy about doing the chore. That’s ok and even understandable. (Do you like folding clothes and do it with a smile and perky disposition every time?) Me either. And If I have to write a check to the IRS this year, I’ll do it, but please do not expect me to be happy about it. I can write the check AND be bitter for a while. We adults have our moments too.
A few weeks ago, I had all three of my grandkids and we were heading over to my parent’s house for a visit. As we were packing up to leave, I asked my ten-year-old grandson to turn out the lights in the basement. He told me that he was not “the last one down there”. I let him know that while that may be true, I had asked him and would like him to turn them off. He then offered up who he thought the guilty party was. I told him that earlier when it was, in fact, he that left the upstairs lights on, I had turned them off for him even though I hadn’t been the one to turn them on. That’s just how it works sometimes. He went down and turned off the basement lights (because he is a respectful, great kid) but I can tell you that he was not happy about it. How do I know? He did not initiate one word in the car on the drive to my parents, he went straight to a chair (without his usual hello’s and hugs) where he stayed with a sour look on his face the entire time, determined not to have a good time while his sister and brother played. It was ok that he was upset. It was ok that he chose to sit and not play. He was not happy, and he didn’t have to be. He was not being disrespectful. He did what I asked of him and then he needed a little time to get over it.
I will end with an excerpt from an article I read written by Amy Morin, LCSW and T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP 2021. It said this:
“Your primary job as a parent is to help mold your kids into kind, respectful, honest, and caring people. And, sometimes the easiest way to do that is to be a good role model. This may mean taking a closer look at your own habits and making some changes. But, if you do, both you and your kids will benefit.”
