It is very easy to beat ourselves up for the things we don’t get “right”. The opportunities we blow. The mistakes we make. The tempers we lose. The more intentional we are about trying to do our best for our kids, the worse we feel when we think we could have done better. Parenting is a lifelong journey, so give yourself credit for the things you do get right as a parent.
I am always slightly in awe of the parents who really do not appear to stress when it comes to their kids. I worked with children who seemed to be navigating life pretty much on their own. A parent that cannot be reached to pick up their sick child at school, or that doesn’t help with homework, or sign permission slips, or they have never been to their child’s game/play/recital/open house. When they cannot recall their child’s teacher’s name (and it’s April…) Do they ever lose sleep like I did, I wonder? I would assume that if a parent is that checked out, they are likely still losing sleep, but probably for issues unrelated to whether their child has a project for 5th grade PI Day or not. Sometimes I wanted to be a little envious of those parents when my kids were growing up. Not the lack of attention to their child, obviously, but the ability to detach. I think my kids would have benefited if I had been capable of not obsessing over every aspect of their life as though their eternal well-being depended on my vigilant focus and attention.
There are certain things that come with being a parent that are our responsibility. I believe most parents would agree that there are things that we obviously should do, and things that we obviously should not do, to ensure our children’s physical and emotional well-being. The bazillions of other things we navigate in their lifetime, though, are far more subjective. The types of food we feed them, the way we communicate with them, the amount of time we spend with them, the activities and opportunities we provide for them. It can be overwhelming when we dissect every aspect of our parenting roles and responsibilities into purposeful acts and intentional conversations with our kids. And, while I know that I did not do everything right as a parent, I also know that I did a lot right, and I am sure you are too. So, give yourself credit for the things you do get right as a parent. It is not an exact science and never will be. There are going to be errors, miscalculations, and regret. It comes with the territory.
The difference between parents who need to give themselves a break and some credit, versus parents who, frankly, need to step up their game, is Thought and Effort. Do you think about what is best for your children and do you act on those judgements? If so, then you are trying. You are caring and aware enough to be intentional about what you think are the right things. But, if you go through each day as a parent with no real interest in your child’s short or long term wants and needs, or purposefully opt for “the path of least resistance” then you are not doing enough.
The reason that I quit working in the public school system after 20+ years to start a website devoted to Raising Accountable Children, is because children deserve better than what they are often getting. I wanted to share strategies and perspective that help anyone who has the privilege of impacting a child, be able to do it in a way that is positive and healthy, and gives children the best foundation for becoming happy, accountable, and well-adjusted contributors in this world. If you are taking the time to read this you, presumably, want the same thing. You are a parent, grandparent, teacher, guardian, or mentor who is interested in what someone else, who also cares about kids, thinks about things. You may agree, or you may disagree, but you are entering the discussion and I think that is key.
When you are in the trenches of parenting it is often difficult to gauge how well you are doing. You may feel as though you are failing miserably when, in actuality, your little human may just be a few lessons and birthdays away from a civility and maturity you didn’t think possible. I created a litmus test (of sorts) below. If you are incorporating the things into your child’s life, I want to reassure you that, in terms of them “turning out ok”, the odds are ever in your favor!
☒ I do my best to interact with my child, with no distractions, at least 30 minutes a day
☒ I try talking to my child without raising my voice even if I am mad or upset
☒ I read with my child daily or as often as I am able
☒ I involve my child in day-to-day operations (let them help in age-appropriate ways)
☒ I tell my child I love them
☒ I apologize to my child when I am wrong
☒ I provide healthy meals and snacks options for my child
☒ I always tell my child the truth (they can trust me)
☒ I listen to my child to understand
☒ I make sure my child feels safe in our home and when they are with me
How did you do? Are you mindful of all of these and agree that they are important? Then I bet you do most, if not all, of them. Do we always get everything right when raising our kids? Of course not. We yell, we tell lies to make things “easier”, we get busy (or too tired) and then don’t take the time to play, listen, or read with our kids, and we go through the McDonald’s drive-thru more often than we’d like to admit. BUT, we also do the “right” things. We are, loving, involved, devoted, and try our best to make good decisions for our children. So, rather than beat yourself up when you have a “parenting fail”, remember to give yourself credit for the things you do get RIGHT as a parent. Raising kids is a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourself. Worry less about a bad day here and there, and focus more on your overall performance, then prepare to take your place on the parenting winner’s podium!
