Now that school is back is session for the year there will, without a doubt, across America and beyond, be decries of bullying. Whether you were a student 50 years ago, or a student currently, you have more than likely been party to some aspect of a situation considered “bullying.” You may have been on either the giving or receiving end of harassment, intimidation, and bullying, witness to it, or perhaps the listening ear to someone else’s experience. But is it really bullying? And, if so, what can you do about it…
Here in Washington state, we have anti-bullying laws, as do all other 49 states in the United States. The definitions and laws vary some from state to state; but there is a common thread. The Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction (OSPI) says this: Bullying is defined as negative actions which are intentional, repeated, negative, show a lack of empathy, and a power imbalance. In our schools we assert that we have “zero tolerance” for bullying. We hang up posters and have assemblies on the subject. We hold mandatory trainings for all staff members and make sure our students and parents are aware of our stance regarding bullying. However, there are two main issues with our current culture in schools, as I see it, related to bullying:
- Understanding – Is it REALLY bullying?
- Action – What should we DO about it?
Is it really bullying?
Working in the public school system for so many years, I became accustomed to hearing about children being bullied; either from the students themselves, by a friend or classmate who was trying to help, or from the parent of a child believed to have been bullied. While bullying absolutely does happen, and I would never be so naïve or oblivious to imply that it doesn’t, I will also say that the word bullying is thrown around very liberally. Many reports of bullying are, in fact, not bullying. In my previous role working with elementary aged students, I worked very hard to make sure that everyone understood the difference between “mean” or “unkind” behavior and bullying. One is illegal. The other is not. And the distinction is important.
Some common complaints among students who felt bullied were:
- Being called names
- Being excluded from a game or activity
- Getting hit, kicked, or pushed
- Being yelled at or embarrassed
While these may be elements of a bullying experience, they are, in isolation, not bullying. They aren’t kind. They may hurt feelings (or even harm physically) and they are certainly not the heathiest or most productive way to engage, but they are not, in and of themselves, bullying. In these instances, it is still important to validate the student’s feelings of hurt/anger/confusion, while also trying to explore and determine intentionality, which I believe to be important. The reason or intent does not excuse behavior, but understanding the reason can help with insight, perspective and ideally with healing and moving forward.
If it sounds like I am minimizing bullying at any point, please know that I am not. The opposite is actually true. I believe strongly that kids and adults need to know and understand exactly what bullying is so that if it happens, it is handled in the manner it should be. The way in which we say it will – with zero tolerance. Mislabeling behavior creates more problems than solutions. When we accurately acknowledge what is happening, the more likely that a reasonable and appropriate resolution will take place.
What do we do about it?
In instances when bullying (by legal definition) happens, it is imperative to treat it as such. First, I suggest documenting. Include the days, times, what specifically was said or done to the victim, and by whom. Did they tell a recess supervisor, a teacher, a counselor? Were there any witnesses? Do they have any visible injuries? What, if any, social/emotional changes have you noticed in the victim? Etc. Also, as much as any angry or frustrated parent may not like to hear this, it is important to follow the chain of command when you believe a bullying incident has occurred. Keep your documentation and talk with your child’s teacher or principal first (if elementary school aged), and for middle or high school students you could start with a counselor or on-site administrator. In the heat of the moment, you may feel that not enough is being done, but give them the opportunity to address and correct the situation from within the building first. Remember – They really are on your side! *In instances of something particularly egregious, this may not apply, and it might be more appropriate to contact the HIB officer or even the authorities. This would be rare, and you would need to use your own judgement.
Note: Every district in Washington State is required by law to have a HIB Compliance Officer. RCW 28A.600.477 states that: every school district shall designate one person in the district as the primary contact regarding the anti-harassment, intimidation, and bullying (HIB) policy. That primary contact person receives copies of all formal and informal complaints, is responsible assuring implementation of HIB policy and procedure, and is the primary contact on the policy and procedures between the school district, the Office of the Education Ombudsman, and the Office of the Superintendent of Public Instruction.
While there are children that may be considered more at-risk for being bullied, it can happen to anyone in any environment. And it isn’t just peer to peer bullying we need to worry about. Coaches, girlfriends/boyfriends/partners, and other trusted adults can be bullies as well. In any instance when there is concern, try to take the time to ask questions and determine “Is it really bullying?” and, if so, I hope this helps you answer, “What can you do about it?!”
For more information about anti HIB laws in Washington, Click on the RCW link above.
