Have you ever not wanted your kids to know you were leaving so you had Grandma distract them while you snuck out the back door? What about waiting until you thought they were asleep to leave them with the babysitter for date night? How did that work out for you? It may have… that time, but what about next time? What if they do wake up while you are gone? And what happens when they realize it is just them and Grandma at the house and you are MIA? It’s Ok to go out, parents- Just don’t sneak out.
Something as simple as allowing a child to say goodbye before you leave for an evening can be the difference between creating trust and security or causing mistrust and anxiety. When a parent leaves without letting their child know (aka sneaking out) it is generally to avoid an emotional exit with tears and pleading to not leave. The parent is making their own life easier in that moment, but it is done at the expense of their child, whether they mean for it to be or not. You may even try convincing yourself that it is better for your child if you don’t tell them you are leaving. After all, they were fine when you left. They were sound asleep, or maybe even having a great time. Well yes, because they didn’t know…
We have to treat kids as though they can handle situations they don’t like. Because they CAN. If you have a child that has difficulty when you leave, the worst thing you can do for them is to sneak out or leave without them knowing. It’s Ok to go out, parents- Just don’t sneak out! Kids need to be prepared. They need to be told ahead of time that you are leaving, but that you will be back. They need to know where you will be, and who will be with them. They need to know they will be safe, and when they will see you next. (Later that night. The following morning. In a couple of days…) Regardless of the length of time, they need the same preparation. That way they are able to process the transition and trust that when you leave, you come back, and that everyone is Ok.
Don’t feel guilty or sound apologetic for leaving, regardless of if you are going to work, having an evening out, or taking an adult’s only vacation. As parents we can’t be (and shouldn’t be) with our children 24/7/365. We have obligations and we also need breaks. There is no reason to feel badly when those things take us away from our kids. (Especially when we are spending quality time with them, meeting their needs, and connecting with them when we are home!)
When you tell your kids you are leaving, whether it is for a few hours or a few days, I recommend doing it in a way that is thoughtful but matter of fact. When parents sneak out or share the news that they are leaving in a timid, apologetic way, it implies that there is a reason to be hesitant and uncomfortable with leaving, and there isn’t. If you don’t feel Ok about leaving, how can you expect your child to? You are grown. You can leave the house without your kids. It is not only Ok, but also necessary for everyone’s well-being sometimes.
For those who have kids that are especially sensitive to their adult leaving, it might be best to arrange some “practice” opportunities. Rather than leave for an anniversary weekend, start with meeting someone for lunch or going for a walk. Again, no apologies, and don’t act tentative. Just tell your child you have a lunch date later with a friend (or are going on a walk, running errands, whatever…) and that you will be back in an hour or two. If they start to get upset, you can validate that you are sorry they are feeling upset but that you have something planned that you will be doing and you will be back soon. You may have to repeat that, or a similar sentiment, but do not waver and definitely do NOT cancel. If your child being upset makes you cancel or change your plans, good luck getting out of the house without an issue ever again. You have to leave sometime, so you might as well rip off that Band-Aid.
When done properly, having time away from your kids can be the break and reset that everyone needs. The kids get to spend quality time with other important people in their life, like a grandparent or aunt or uncle. They get to look forward to fun activities with a babysitter or hanging out with family friends. They get to experience separation from you that is healthy and can create better security for them. You, in turn, get an opportunity to recharge which will benefit both you and your kids in the short AND long term.
When leaving the house without your kids is a challenge just stay the course and embrace the struggle. It’s Ok to go out, parents- just don’t sneak out! Give your kisses and hugs, say “I love you and I will be back soon,” and close the door behind you. Go do what you want or need to do and Grandma or the babysitter will handle the rest. 😊
