I am finally getting around to spending more time reading and am currently really enjoying a book my son bought me a few months ago. One chapter really struck me. The chapter was about societal norms placed on girls and boys from an early age. What they “should” look, sound, and act like, and how when they don’t fit into those “boxes” what those repercussion can be. It talked about the social and emotional implications of not fitting in the way society thinks we should. The author in this particular chapter realized that she was far more aware and proactive about making sure that her daughters knew it was ok to be authentically themselves but that she had not given her son that same consideration. That chapter made me think of how fortunate my son is to have the dad that he does. (Who also happens to be my husband. Bryer’s (and Presley’s) dad and my husband are one and the same for clarification.) 😉
Let boys be boys – yes, but not in the way you think. My husband would stereotypically be considered a “manly man”. He is a big, strong, bearded guy who has worked the past 32 years as a sheet metal worker, he wears flannel, played football and baseball in school, hunts and fishes, and can make, fix, and lift just about anything you would need him to. But he is also the good-hearted, obliging, capable guy who whipped up two poodle skirts for the Sock Hop I was helping organize as one of the kid’s elementary school PTO fundraisers. It isn’t like he had any previous experience with making poodle skirts but when our daughter and I needed them he said, “I’ll make them. A pattern is a pattern whether you’re using metal or fabric.” Guess he was right, because our poodle skirts turned out great! (Can’t see mine very well but it looked just like Presley’s below.)
I also learned to appreciate my son’s secure male role model father when Bryer asked for a sewing machine for his 8th birthday. Bryer gave us a list of birthday gifts he wanted, and I don’t remember most of what was on that list, but I do know it had a TV for his room and a sewing machine on it. The TV for the room was nevergoing to happen, and I think the other stuff seemed like a waste of money or something, so we settled on the sewing machine. We bought Bryer the machine and it came with two free lessons. The first one was to go over with him all the parts and how to care for it, and the second one was showing him how to use it. He paid such good attention and could not have been any cuter at eight listening to the elderly lady in Lynden going over it all with him, but he still needed to know how to sew or owning the sewing machine would have been pointless. I don’t sew at all and, yes, we’ve already established that his dad can make poodle skirts (he has also mended many things over the years, sewn on buttons, etc.) but he isn’t exactly a seamstress, so we also bought Bryer sewing lessons.
For two years, from second grade to fourth grade, Bryer took sewing classes from a lady named Rebecca in a little room at the very back of Joanne’s Fabric. And every week that Bryer had class my husband met us there after work (picture the big guy in flannel and work boots) to see what new project Bryer was working on. When Bryer asked if he could bring his final project, a fleece jacket with a half zip, pockets and hood, to class for show-and-tell, I debated if I should say anything. I didn’t want to dissuade Bryer from bringing it, but I also know kids can be mean and I wasn’t sure how well received my 10-year-old son’s sewing project would be. I decided to have a conversation that went something like, “I love that you want to bring your coat to class to show the other kids Bry. There are some kids who might think that boys shouldn’t sew, that it’s only for girls. I don’t know if they’ll say anything rude, or make fun of you, but they might.”
No one made fun of Bryer for bringing the coat that I can recall, and if they did, it wouldn’t have likely bothered him anyway which is another reason I almost didn’t bring it up. The unfortunate part about this story, though, is the fact that I felt I needed to have that conversation. If Bryer had a dad with the “My boy isn’t gonna sew” mentality, or if he let Bryer sew but made fun of it himself, or if he even just seemed embarrassed by the fact that his son sewed, then the thought of his classmates possibly rejecting his sewing would have already been on Bryer’s radar, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t, because he had seen his dad sew things and knew his dad was equipped with many different skills; one of which just happened to be sewing when the need arose. Even if my husband had not sewn a thing in his life though, he loves our son and he would have still nurtured and supported his interests and been adult enough to recognize the useful skill that Bryer was developing and enjoyed. Bryer went on to make his own Harry Potter cape for Come as Your Favorite Book Character Day that same year and then fast forward to undergrad school when Bryer asked us to bring his machine over on one of the trips when we went to visit him at his Fraternity. He needed curtains for his room so after a little camo fabric and thread were purchased at Walmart…Voila!
Often girls and boys are sent harmful, ignorant messages from society, but it is worse when those messages come from your own parents. I am sure we were guilty of that in some way ourselves, but I can tell you that we tried to be mindful not to. We never said things like blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Our kids knew that colors are for everyone to use, wear, and appreciate. We did not segregate their toys into dolls and trucks. Our kids knew that toys, as with colors, are for everyone to enjoy. Should we Let boys be boys? Yes, but not in the way you think. It is very difficult to raise our children without any sort of gender or “role” biases despite our efforts not to pigeonhole our kids. But if we shift our focus to how kind our sons are versus how athletic they are, if we care more about letting them pursue their own interests rather than the ones we want for them, and if we worry more about our sons’ integrity than if they have a girlfriend, we will be headed in the right direction.
