Technology should never replace connection

I get a visceral reaction when I see toddlers in shopping carts with iPads, kids at restaurants (pre-COVID) playing on a phone, or tablets in the laps of children in vehicles I drive past. One time I saw an infant propped with a blanket in a grocery cart while watching a phone that was also propped. When I see those things I immediately think about the accumulative missed interactions between the parents and the children and I think about the world that is passing by, unnoticed, by those children. People often wonder why kids seem more apathetic today. I would venture to guess it is, quite literally, because they are not thinking of other people. Their thoughts and attention are too often on their screen world. Technology should never replace connection.

Kids, by and large, spend WAY too much time playing on or in front of a screen. This should come as no surprise to anyone. I have seen kids at their sibling’s game, tournament, school play, etc. completely plugged in to a device. For the entire event. Their brother or sister is up to bat, on the court, singing their song or whatever and it goes completely unnoticed or acknowledged.

So, what could a child be doing at their sibling’s event instead?

• Watching and supporting their sibling
• Learning about the game/sport/craft that their sibling is participating in
• Talking with others around them about what they see and how it is going
• Investing time and thought into someone other than themselves
• Learning patience
• Recognizing that they do not always have to be entertained
• Understanding that life is not, and should not, be all about them!

You can remind your “bored” child that one day it will be their turn to have the same support and attentiveness from you and their siblings while they compete or participate in something of interest to them.

The same concept applies for shopping or running errands. Technology should not replace connection.

Rather than kids watching a movie or playing a game when you are out and about maybe try:

• Having everyone guess how long it will take you to finish your task before you start it. The kiddo can be the timekeeper. (Trade off if you have more than one kiddo.) Who was closest?
• Letting your child help find what you need. (“We’re looking for spaghetti sauce next.”)
• Allowing them to cross off things on your list as you find/accomplish them
• Giving them their own little kid cart
• Giving older kids half the list so you can divide and conquer
• Playing a game where your kiddo looks for people wearing cowboy boots, backpacks, football team gear…

You pick. Let them pick. It doesn’t matter. The point is to have them be present and for you to be interacting with one another and others around you when you have the chance.

Want to replace technology while traveling in the car? How about:

BOOK BUCKETS and LAP TRAYS!

I have book buckets for all three of my grandkids that we take in the car. Aside from books they enjoy, you can include white boards and erasable markers, sticker books, word finds, crossword puzzles etc. For longer trips portable lap trays allow for small puzzles and games to be played, plus the storage is nice. You can also never go wrong with The Alphabet Game (you look for letters on signs and license plates starting with A and try to be the first to Z) or Slug Bug (where you find Volkswagen Beatle cars and, in my day, hit/slugged the person next to you as you yelled it out.  I am guessing this now has a new name and method of playing that doesn’t involve hurting someone. I recommend that one instead). 😊

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Parents, I understand using technology to try to make life easier. I honestly do. I am guilty of sticking in a movie (VHS anyone?!) when my kids were younger for a break or even now on occasion with my grandkids (Netflix = upgrade). If you plug them in then they are “happy”, you are happy, and it seems that everyone wins. You may have avoided tears and arguments and that iPad or phone you handed over, or the video game they just started playing on their own, you believe was the only thing between you and a bad day. That may be true, but that is a short-term solution at best. Some of the biggest blowups that parents have with their kids is when they try to say no to technology. I have heard many stories about kids who become enraged and even violent when they are asked to stop playing the video game or to put down the tablet. Some of the stories I have heard about kids who had phones or video games taken away (or where attempts were made to take them away) are unfathomable to me. Especially when you hear those stories about kids who are generally compliant, and volatility is out of character for them. If any of this is relatable, you should seriously reconsider your family technology guidelines. It is too important not to.

You may have heard me refer to myself as being “old school” as it relates to some of my personal parenting philosophies and methods. This is absolutely one of those times. Technology battles would not be an issue in our home. The first fit over a game and that device would be gone. Maybe for a day, maybe a week, maybe a month.  I would have to play it by ear… The second time, if there was a second time, the device would be GONE. As in, do not even ask me about it, I will let you know when and if you get it back. (You can ask my daughter about her phone when she was entering her sophomore in high school. She will tell you; I wasn’t playin’!)

Here is the thing. If you are hesitant about taking your child’s device away, or seriously limiting their usage, ask yourself why? Is it because it is of such great value to their development and growth that you just can’t deprive them? Of course not. It is likely that it is because they really like it, and it makes them “happy”, and you love them and want them to be happy, so you let them have it and just accept the battles as part of the price of doing business? But what if your child was actually happier with less, more controlled, amounts of screen time and MORE quality time and engagement with you and those around them? AND while they were at it, they were developing skills like self-regulation, delayed gratification, and the ability to independently entertain themselves by reading, building, creating, exploring? Which, by the way, will help them to function better at home, at school and in life.

How kids spend their time and how they connect matters. As parents we need to help them navigate that balance so that the devices and technology do not provide the greatest amount of time and connection for our children. Technology should never replace connection.