The complex and confusing phenomenon of… The Daughter Attitude…

I am aware that having an attitude is not gender specific.  It is also not age specific, but I am only going to be talking about preteen and teenaged daughters.  While it may seem that I am generalizing and stereotyping girls (and leaving out boys) I am writing from a place of my own experiences, conversations, and perspective. Please know that my intention for this blog post, as with all the others I have written (and even those I will write in the future) is not to offend but to provide support and strategies for those who relate to what I am saying. So, if you are still here, let’s talk about our girls…

The inspiration, if you will, for this post came from a parent of two kids who attend the school where I used to work.  We ran into one another a couple of weeks ago and the mom was so sweet to give me a hug and congratulate me on my new website adventure and then she asked “Are you going to be writing about older kids?”  She shared she was struggling with her daughter’s attitude and was hoping to get some ideas or strategies that might help.  We talked for a half an hour in the parking lot at the school and I knew then that I wanted to write about this topic. Her children, both her son and daughter, are the most delightful kids. They are bright, helpful, considerate, and well-mannered. Yet at home, especially with her preteen daughter, those are not the qualities mom shared she is often seeing these days.

I could relate to every concern and feeling this mom had because I have been there.  In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago but other times it seems like it was just a couple of years ago.  Raising a strong, independent daughter is a blessing but it can also be really challenging.  I am not a person who is generally affected by the moods or attitudes of others towards me but when it came to my daughter, I found myself getting my feelings hurt a LOT.  I don’t know that I recognized it as that in the beginning (that my feelings were hurt) I just knew that I was mad and frustrated about her attituded, especially towards me.

I remember thinking that she was acting unappreciative and ungrateful but other parents, teachers, and random people who met her, would always rave about what a great kid she was.  Which she was.  I knew she was.  But then, I wondered, why was she so angry and annoyed with me all the time?  Why didn’t I get to see the great kid as often as everyone else did?

The most difficult part for me when trying to understand my daughter’s attitude back when she was a preteen/teen, was because I was the one who did everything for her.  Don’t get me wrong.  Her dad (my husband) is an amazingly involved dad.  He coached her in sports, was a shoulder to cry on, never missed a game or play or anything else she was involved in. He helped teach her many skills, bought emergency tampons, you name it he’s done it all, but his role and place in her life was, and still is, different than mine. 

I was the day-in-day-out person who bought her clothes and shoes, and dresses for dances.  I planned and made her birthday parties special. I drove her around and picked up her friends and hosted sleepovers, I made sure the boutonnieres were ordered and paid for, and that she ate and had something to drink before running off to her next activity, and cared for her when she was sick.  It just didn’t make sense.  I was spending so much time doing and buying and preparing for the things that I knew she needed, liked, and wanted.  I knew she loved me; I just could not understand why she didn’t seem to like me most days.

If, as you are reading this, you are nodding to yourself thinking, “Yep, This is exactly what my relationship with my daughter is like”, then know that you are not alone.  You probably already do though. I’m guessing you’ve talked to other mothers, or maybe a sister, a friend or even your own mom about it in hopes of being validated and reassured.  Not gonna lie, it is a rough season of life and the perfect time to reach out to your “village”.  I remember on a couple of occasions when I was crying and really struggling, I called my sister and she talked to my daughter.  It was basically an aunt saying to her niece, “Go easy on your mom.”  It was helpful in that moment, not because it necessarily changed anything, but I knew that my sister understood.  She has two daughters, so she had been in the same boat a time or two herself. 

This is the part in the blog post where I am supposed to impart my parenting wisdom and give you something to try that will hopefully make things better.  Well, I wish I had THE answer but I’m not sure that I do.  What I can tell you fairly confidently, though, is that This Too Shall Pass.  While your daughter is dealing with friends and hormones and relationships and acne and grades, and whatever else she cares about and is trying her best to navigate right now, you are not a concern.  You are likely barely on her radar.  We are mom’s and we are just there.  Always.  We are there with the right shampoo, the perfect new shirt, the cleats they forgot, the hugs they need but don’t want to ask for. 

When other people are saying how awesome your child is, believe them, because they ARE awesome.  They are good, caring humans who do know how to act and treat people well.  That is a good thing.  It is also a good thing that your child can be stressed, annoyed, mad, sad or distant in their own home and know that they will still have an adult who loves them and will continue fulfilling their role as a provider and nurturer and that it doesn’t change based on mood.  Theirs OR yours.  As moms we may see more of the unpleasant side of our girls for awhile, but it is because they feel safe showing us how they really feel, and they should! 

There is a part of this season of life that, as mom’s, we just can’t take personally.  I truly believe in most cases it isn’t.  But I also think it is ok to have a conversation and tell our daughters how we are feeling. (Hurt? Frustrated?) There may even be times that you don’t want to keep giving. You decide to say no to having their friends over, or to taking them to the football game after you have already gotten into your comfy clothes. While you want to be sure that your motives are not retaliatory (they are a child and you are the adult so we need to act like it) I do believe it’s true that “You teach people how to treat you.” (I am pretty sure that came from Dr. Phil…) You can tell your daughter that you are not in the mood to (whatever it is) because you haven’t appreciated her attitude lately. We’re human. It is ok to set limits when we have had enough. 

An idea I got from a neighbor friend years ago, that really helped in my daughter’s and my communication, was a journal that we wrote to one another in.  I would write to Pres in the journal and then stick it on her bed when I was done.   It could be about anything.  (It is helpful to include a question or two.) There was no pressure as far as when she would write back so, when she did (it might be 10 minutes later or in three days) it was always because she wanted to.  (As opposed to having dialogue that you initiate but your daughter may not want to engage in right then). Presley would leave it on my bed when she was done and then I would respond back to her. We would just go back and forth that way.  I don’t remember how long we did that, but it was long enough that I have two journals in my cedar chest that I wouldn’t trade for anything!

Does is get better? YES! The 50 Reasons Why I love You jar (above) is a present my daughter gave me last year for my birthday.  I am getting teary as I write this because it is truly one of my all-time most special gifts from anyone ever!  The love and appreciation on each one of those 50 strips of paper, and that my daughter shows me regularly now (as an adult and a mother herself) is worth all those preteen/teen years.  Keep the faith Mommas!  Your daughter will end up being your greatest supporter in a few years, so bear down, keep the boundaries consistent, enjoy the great moments together along the way and know that in the end, it will all be worth it!

(A big thank you to my friends Carol and Alexa for sending pictures of their daughters for me to use for this post and to my own daughter, Presley, for helping with my blog in any way she can, even when it means using her as material.) <3